What It Feels Like for a Girl
by BeachBlondeBabe
Summary: Xander plays dress up at Dawn's insistance, but after a spat with Anya, badness ensues.
1. What it Feels Like for a Girl

Title: What It Feels Like For A Girl  
  
Author: Beach Blonde Babe  
  
Summary: Xander plays dress up at Dawn's insistence, but after a spat with Anya, badness ensues  
  
Rating: I don't know exactly how graphic I'm going to get, but I'll just be on the safe side and give it an R for now.  
  
Pairing: S/X, with mentions of Anya/X  
  
Disclaimer: Not mine. I'm just playing with them. They belong to people richer and more powerful than me.  
  
Distribution: Want. Take. Have. Just let me know first.  
  
Feedback: I need it to survive  
  
Warnings: Will eventually be slash, there will also be silliness and fluffiness, and some angst and h/c. Just a little bit of everything, y'know?  
  
A/N: I know I should be working on Pieces of You, but this idea struck me as I was watching Conan O'Brien last week, and it's been driving me crazy ever since. I hope you like it!  
  
A/N 2: The earliest reference I can find to Spike living with Xander is "Hush." If you can correct me, please do. Thus, this takes place post-"Hush." You can put it pretty much anywhere you want it to be after that. Oh, and Dawn exists, for the purpose of this story, and Tara is in it too, 'cause I like Tara :).  
  
A/N 3: Last one, I swear. *____* means emphasis (kinda like italics). //_____// or \\_____\\ or ||________|| are thoughts.  
  
Part I  
  
"Please, Xander? For me??" Huge, innocent brown eyes peered up into darker ones as Dawn Summers begged her sister's friend. Xander winced and looked away.  
  
"No Dawn." He shook his head and crossed his arms, not looking Dawn in the eye. "No way, no how, nuh unh." He didn't dare look. Dawn stepped closer and hugged him. Dang it.  
  
"Please, Xan? It's my birthday. You'd only have to wear it for one night." She hugged tighter. "A few hours, at most." She leaned her head on his chest. "Pleeeeeeeease?"  
  
"Doggone it." He sighed. "I knew I shouldn't have taught you the puppy eyes." He sighed again, and Dawn grinned. Xander nodded, and Dawn squealed and wrapped her arms around Xander's waist.   
  
"Love you Xan." Dawn let go, and bounded up the stairs to get ready. Xander groaned, rolled his eyes, and looked at the ceiling.  
  
"Why me? Why is it always me?"  
  
____________________________________________________________________________  
  
"Because you can't say no to a girl!" Anya was pissed. Xander had seen the look in her eyes before, when she was ranting and raving about getting her pendant back. He just sat on his bed, watching her pace back and forth. "There is no way you are going to do this. I don't care if it's her birthday. You're mine, and I don't want to share!" Xander hung his head, shaking it slightly. How could he get her to understand.  
  
"Ahn, you're not sharing me. Well, you are, but not in the way you're thinking." He chuckled slightly. The way Anya was thinking was the way she was always thinking. "You're sharing me as a friend. These people are my friends. Remember? We talked about this concept before." He patted the side of the bed, motioning for her to sit down. She crossed over and sat, leaning against him as he wrapped a comforting arm around her shoulder.  
  
"But what if they want to give you orgasms?" Xander stifled a laugh at that. She just didn't get it. "I want to be the only person who gives you orgasms." Xander tightened the arm around her.  
  
"You are, Ahn." He grimaced slightly. "Believe me, you are. Now don't worry. I'll be back before midnight. I'll be with a bunch of girls." He stood, and a grim though dawned on him. "Believe me, absolutely *nothing* will happen."  
  
Anya didn't hear the last part of Xander's lament. All she heard was "be with a bunch of girls." She stood up in a fury. "I can't believe you, Alexander Harris! You would leave me here alone to be with a group of girls who won't even please you sexually?" She turned on her heel, and stormed up the basement steps. "I'm leaving. Don't try to follow me." Xander heard the door slam, and he fell back onto his bed, staring at the ceiling."  
  
"Why me? Why, why why?"   
  
________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
"Because you love me, that's why. Now hold still. I don't want to smear it." Xander sat on Buffy's bed, surrounded by his best friends in the whole world. Buffy stood to his left, with a little brush that reminded Xander of a mini paintbrush. It was covered in pink. Willow was to his right, with a little bottle of red and an even smaller mini paintbrush. Tara, Willow's new - friend, was sitting behind him, gelling his mop of chocolate brown hair down to his head. Dawn was planted in front of him, holding a tiny black pencil. Said pencil was jamming into his eye as Dawn spoke to him. He flinched, and Dawn placed her hands on her hips. "What did I tell you about moving?"  
  
"Okay, but see, Dawnie, you're jabbing my eye out. One Eyed Xan, not so much a good look for me." He received a glare for his troubles, and Dawn went back to jabbing. Buffy finished with the little brush, and moved for the little red tube.  
  
"Open your mouth, Xan." Buffy popped open the tube and twisted. A thin column of red appeared, and Xander made a face.  
  
"Eew, Buff." He felt Dawn grab a hold of his cheeks to steady him. "I didn't know you were supposed to eat it." Buffy sighed and rolled her eyes. Boys could be so stupid sometimes.  
  
"No, doofus. It just helps to put it on more evenly when your mouth is open." She stood, one hand on hip, one hand holding the lipstick suspiciously like a stake. Xander eyed the small tube dubiously. He sighed, and opened his mouth.  
  
"There! Done." All four girls backed away and looked at him. Willow grinned, and nudged Tara, who scurried into the bathroom. Dawn squealed, and went to go find a hand mirror. Buffy and Willow each grabbed one of Xander's hands and led him into Joyce's room. Mrs. Summers sat patiently on the bed, hands folded on her lap, smiling graciously. She stood, and hugged Xander tight.  
  
"Thank you so much, Xander. You've made Dawnie very happy." She let go, and motioned him into the dressing area, closing the doors behind him.  
  
Xander gasped as he saw was was awaiting him. Laid out was a razor and some shaving cream. He turned, and tried to wrestle the door open. It wouldn't budge. He peeped through the keyhole, and saw Buffy holding the handle. He called out through the door, "No fair using Slayer strength, Buff!"   
  
She just chuckled, and called back, "Shut up and shave, Xan!" He grumbled, and opened the can of cream.  
  
______________________________________________________________________________________  
  
An hour later, the door swung open, and all five girls were standing in wait. Xander emerged, and the girls let out a squeal of excitement. Xander stood, wearing a tight red shirt covering a stuffed bra, and revealing a bare midriff. His legs were incased in calf high black boots, complete with heels that made Xander wobble when he walked. Black stockings led the way up his thighs to a black mini skirt that barely covered the red thong riding up Xander's ass. He glared at each one of the women in front of him.   
  
"I hate you all." He looked first at Dawn. "I'm returning your birthday gift." She smirked, but he continued. "It was a car." Her eyes widened, and she looked at Buffy. Xander looked at Buffy too. "I'm going to tell Giles who actually ripped the Pergamam Codex." He turned his gaze on Willow. "You. You get the silent treatment, missy." Tara and Joyce got a two for one glare. "I can't do anything mean to you, 'cause you're too nice." They smiled, but he held up a finely manicured hand. "But there will be glares. Oh boy, will there be glares." They all held their breath as Xander continued to glare at them all, and then exhaled audibly as Xander held out his arms for a hug. They swarmed him, and Willow whispered into his ear. "One last surprise, oh best friend 'o' mine." Tara held out her hands, and Xander blanched at what he saw.   
  
A wig, dark and luxurious, awaited him. It was long, and was done in very loose curls, with soft bangs at the front. On a woman, it would look beautiful. On Xander . . . . He shuddered, and accepted his fate. They placed it on him, and handed him a mirror. He beheld his appearance. Hmmm. Not too shabby, for a guy. After a very good shave, he had no shadow of any kind on his face. His jaw was a little too square, but his eyelashes made up for his lack of femininity. He put the mirror down, and looked to Dawn. "Only for you, Dawnster. Only for you."  
  
______________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Xander sighed. He was sitting alone at a table at the Bronze with a beer in front of him. The place was swarming with a horde of squealing teenaged girls, all of whom were now packing the dance floor in honor of Dawn's 16th birthday. Buffy was outside patrolling, keeping the place vamp free, Willow and Tara were out shimmying and shaking (and chaperoning) on the dance floor, and Joyce was sitting up on the second floor, watching from afar so she wouldn't embarass Dawn. Xander leaned his chin on his hand and jumped back as he felt a false nail poke him. He grumbled, and then leaned his cheek into his palm. He started as he felt a hand on his shoulder, and a deep voice rumbled into his ear.  
  
"H'llo luv. What's a manly looking piece of meat doing in a place like this?" The hand vacated the premises, and Spike slid into a chair next to him. Xander rolled his eyes and sighted. Great. Just what he needed.  
  
"Hi Spike. Can't say I'm glad to see you." Spike chuckled, and looked Xander up and down. Xander instinctively brought his legs together and crossed his arms over his chest. "Stop it. That's incredibly disturbing." Spike grinned - leered is more like it - and glanced onto the dance floor.  
  
"What gives, then? Why're you all dolled up," Spike paused for dramatic effect, and then peered at Xander out of the corner of his eye before finishing with "Doll?" Xander groaned, and dropped his wigged head onto the table.  
  
"God, what'd I do to deserve this? Don't answer that." He lifted his head, and shot Spike a dirty look. "Dawn wanted me to come to her party, but I told her I didn't want to be the only girl. So, this." Spike stared at him blankly for a few seconds, before bursting into loud, obnoxious peals of laughter.   
  
"Hasn't anyone ever told you to becareful of what you wish for, you ponce?" he said when he had recovered enough to speak. "I mean, really, you should know by now, all the time you spend with them chits." Xander just shrugged and downed more of his beer.   
  
"Yeah, well, now I know." He took another gulp before continuing. "So why're you here? Not that I'm not enjoying this oh-so-stimulating conversation, but teen hangouts aren't usually your scene." Spike stiffened slightly, but Xander caught it. He saw Spike's eyes search for an answer, as we stammered.  
  
"Well. I. Y'see. There was-. Good beer-. Oh bloody hell." He sighed, and flagged down a waitress. "Beer, please." He turned back to Xander. "I came to make sure nothing happened to the Bit." Xander stared blankly, with one eyebrow upturned in question. "The Nibblet." More blank looks from the whelp. "Dawn." Comprehension came to Xander after a few seconds. He smiled widely, batting his eyes without even realizing it.   
  
"Oh my God! You care!" Xander grinned. Had he not been wearing heels, he would be dancing and pointing. Well, he could shift in his seat and point. "You want Dawn to have a happy birthday! Spike has feelings, Spike has feelings!" he chanted in a sing-song voice. Spike growled and placed his hands on top of Xander's pinning them to the table. "Pipe down, you git. I don't think the people in Siberia heard you!" Xander stared at him with an odd expression on his face.  
  
Spikes hands. On his. Gah. They felt. Double gah. //Not having these thoughts right now, Xan.// A voice broke him out of his reverie.  
  
"Uh, Spike? You know that's Xander you're hand-holding, right?" Buffy looked at the two men worriedly. She watched Spike pull away in horror.  
  
"Gah! Uh, what, then? Xander? Donut Boy? That you?" Spike feigned ignorance badly. Xander decided to play along. He chuckled, and grinned at Buffy.  
  
"Seeing this reaction was worth the grossness of touching him." Spike suddenly looked sincerely shocked, and a bit hurt.  
  
"Hey! I was the one who had to think about kissing you!" A set of green eyes and a set of brown eyes turned to meet his blue ones, which were suddenly wide with fear. "That is, er, when he was a chit." Buffy glared at him. "I mean, a bird." A glare from Xander. "You know what I mean." His eyes darted left, then right. "Gotta dash. It's been a slice." And with that, he made his hasty retreat from the club. By this time, Willow and Tara had rejoined them, and were sitting and watching with amusement as the big, bad, nasty master vampire was reduced to a stammering school boy. Buffy took a seat at the table, while Xander watched Spike retreat. He turned back to his favorite group of girls, and grinned.  
  
"You know, I don't know what you all complain about. Being a girl is fun!" Two sets of eyes hardened into ice instantly, and Tara smiled at Xander in pity. Xander gulped, realizing what he had done, what he had unleashed. This time, Xander was the one to search for an exit, but he found none, and was soon bombarded with screeches from Buffy and Willow.  
  
"Oh my Goddess! I can't believe you would say that! You have no idea what we go through! All the cramps, and the makeup every day, and image issues! Ugh!" Tara placed a hand on Willow's arm, trying to calm her. Buffy took over.  
  
"I should kick your ass all the way back home Alexander LaVelle Harris! That was one of the stupidest things you could have ever said. Grr!" She sat back, crossing her arms. "I don't know if I can ever speak to you again."  
  
Xander decided that this was the appropriate time to try to save himself. "Look, guys, I didn't mean that. I opened my mouth before I thought. I'm sorry. Can you ever forgive me?" He decided to try out his patented puppy eyes, a secret he had only shared with Dawn. Buffy flinched, but Willow didn't crack.  
  
"Oh no, Xander Harris! You're not getting away that easily!" Xander could have sworn that there was *actual* fire in Willow's eyes as she continued. "You have no idea what we go through. I wish you could just undertand what being a girl *really* feels like!"  
  
Up on the second story, in a shadowy corner, far from the group of bickering teens, a woman sat alone at a table. She smiled, fingering a small pendant at her neck, and, in a gravely yet feminine voice, growled out, "Done."  
  
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Dun dun dun! More coming soon, hopefully. . . 


	2. Man, I Feel Like a Woman!

Title: What it Feels Like for a Girl (2/?)  
  
Author: Beach Blonde Babe  
  
Rating: I'm putting it at an R for now, but only because I don't know what's gonna happen later. Right now, it's at about a PG-13, for language.  
  
Series Summary: Xander plays dress up at Dawn's insistance, but after a spat with Anya, badness ensues.  
  
Chapter Summary: Xander wakes up feeling like a whole new "man." Spike takes advantage of that.  
  
Pairing: Spike/Xander, mentions of Xander/Anya  
  
Disclaimer: These people aren't mine (God, do I wish they were.) Joss owns them, the lucky bastard. I just play with them and then put them back.  
  
Distribution: If you really want it, take it. Just let me know where I can find it afterwards.  
  
Spoilers: None, really.  
  
A/N: This is un-beta'd. I'm sorry if there are any glaring errors. You can write me a long long review on how stupid I am.  
  
A/N 2: This takes place after Hush sometime. Dawn's in it, for my purposes, and Tara's in it, 'cause I like Willow and Tara together. So there you go. You can put this story anywhere you want to, within those parameters.   
  
Ch 2: Man, I Feel Like a Woman!  
  
Xander awoke groggily the next morning. He vaguely remembered leaving Buffy, Dawn, and Mrs. Summers at their house before returning to the Basement of Doom, and flopping down on his bed. He looked at his pillow, and made a face at the dark smears that were the remains of his makeup. //Crap. Left all the crap on.// He sat up and stretched. If his makeup was still on, he must have left his "costume" on too. He sighed. //Oh well. Not that much of a big.// He suddenly got the chills, and realized that he was being watched. He looked around quickly, grabbing the stake he kept under his pillow, and brought it up in a battle-ready stance. He heaved a sigh or relief, and lowered the stake, when he realized it was only Spike. "Creepy much?" He spat out, shooting daggers at Spike with his eyes. Weirdo vamp, watching him sleep. He noticed the blonde's mouth hanging open, and decided to put him in his place. "It's best to keep your mouth shut, y'know. You catch less flies that way, and it's less likely that you'll say something stupid if your mouth isn't open." He got up, stretched again, and looked back at Spike. His mouth was closed now, but he opened it again.  
  
"G-g'day." He stammered out. Xander arched an eyebrow, shook his head, and then walked to the bathroom, feeling Spike's creepy gaze on him until he shut the door. Spike stared at the door for a while, not knowing what to do, until he heard a blood curdleing scream from behind the closed door.  
  
"It's gone!!" Xander burst from the bathroom, skirt down around his ankles. Spike watched in shock as he tripped, and tumbled to the floor. He jumped up and ran to Xander's side.  
  
"There, there, pet." Spike cooed, helping Xander up. He pulled up Xander's skirt gently, and prushed away the tears flowing freely down Xander's cheeks. "Now then. What seems to be missing, pet?" Xander looked at Spike incredulously.  
  
"What do you mean, 'What's missing,' you idiot??" Xander slapped Spike's shoulder, while Spike stared on in surprise. "Are you that dense?" Spike was taken aback by Xander's harsh words. Much to his embarrassment, Xander pulled down his skirt, crying, "My dick is gone!"  
  
Spike stared at him, dumbfounded. He opened his mouth, and shut it, and repeated this a few times, looking like a great big blonde fish. Meanwhile, Xander cried, lamenting the loss of his manhood. At length, a though dawned on Spike, followed by realization, and he spoke.  
  
"Xander?" Xander looked at Spike as if he had gone absolutely nutso.  
  
"No, Idiot Jeb down at Bucky's Fondue Hut! Of course I'm Xander, you ass!" He flopped down onto the bed and began pinching himself. "I'm going to. Ow! Wake up. Ow! Any. Ow! Time. Ow! Now. Ow!"  
  
Spike could do nothing but stare dumbly for a moment. It all made sense now. Xander locked eyes with him, and Spike burst out laughing, his crystaline eyes lighting up in mirth.  
  
Xander glared at Spike in abject horror. He knew the blonde vampire was evil, but to laugh when Xander had lost Xander Junior? "You are beyond sick!" He leapt up, grabbing the stake he had dropped, and charging Spike. Spike stepped aside, wrapped his hands around Xander's wrists, and flung him back on the bed, stifling a laugh. Xander landed with a grunt.  
  
"Xan, pet, please, calm down and come into the bathroom with me for a sec." Xander just glared at him, holding his wrists. Immediately, Spike felt bad. He had hurt Xander. But he pushed the thought out of his head. "Xander. Come with me. I'm not asking you." Still glaring, Xander rose from the bed, and lead the way into the bathroom, with Spike trailing behind him.  
  
Spike slid behind Xander in the bathroom, guiding him in front of the mirror. Placing one hand on Xander's waist, he used the other to lift the downcast face up to the mirror. He smiled at Xander's audible gasp. "Now do you get it, Whelp?"  
  
Xander took himself in. He was still wearing last night's outfit, only he had changed. Staring back at him was his non-existant twin sister. His eyes, softer now, with longer eyelashes, stared back at him. They were different. But they were *his* eyes. Full red lips, his nose, though now smaller, and his cheekbones, only softer, more feminine. A soft, rounded jawline, and all this framed by a mass of dark curls, reaching down to Xander's back. His shoulders much smaller than they were, and on his chest were breasts that sure as hell didn't belong to him. He decided not to think about that. His eyes travelled downwards, Xander saw a narrow waist and a flat stomach. Rounded hips, larger than usual, led to long, lean legs. He definitely was not going to think about his lack of -. //No. Not thinking about that. Definitely not thinking about *that*.// He turned on Spike, and found that his head ended just under Spike's chin. That meant that he was shorter now! Hell! He was shorter even than Buffy now! "God damn it, Spike! What the hell is going on?" Spike grinned, leaving his hand at Xander's waist, using the other to push back a few stray strands of Xander's hair, tucking it behind his ear.  
  
"Dunno, pet. My guess?" He grinned as Xander looked at him expectantly. "You got turned into a chit." Xander gave an anguised cry, pushed Spike away, and stormed out of the bathroom. Spike's grin got all the wider. This was going to be fun.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
Poor, poor Xander. What'll happen next? Well, you don't think Spike'll keep the rest of the Scoobs out of this, do you? More coming soon! 


	3. Man, I Feel Like a Woman! Part II

Title: What it Feels Like for a Girl (3/?)  
  
Author: Beach Blonde Babe  
  
Rating: I'm putting it at an R for now, but only because I don't know what's gonna happen later. Right now, it's at about a PG-13, for language.  
  
Series Summary: Xander plays dress up at Dawn's insistence, but after a spat with Anya, badness ensues.  
  
Chapter Summary: The Gang finds out about Xander's little problem, and they decide what they're going to do about it.  
  
Pairing: Spike/Xander, mentions of Xander/Anya  
  
Disclaimer: These people aren't mine (God, do I wish they were.) Joss owns them, the lucky bastard. I just play with them and then put them back.  
  
Distribution: If you really want it, take it. Just let me know where I can find it afterwards.  
  
Spoilers: None, really.  
  
A/N: This is un-beta'd. I'm sorry if there are any glaring errors. You can write me a long, long review on how stupid I am.  
  
A/N 2: This takes place after Hush sometime, probably late season four. Nothing's really specific. Dawn's in it, for my purposes, and Tara's in it, 'cause I like Willow and Tara together. So there you go. You can put this story anywhere you want to, within those parameters.  
  
Man, I Feel Like A Woman! (Part II)  
  
Willow rapped nervously on the door to the Harris' basement. Spike had called earlier that morning, telling her that something had happened to Xander, and that they should come over right away. She and Buffy had come as soon as was possible. Now, with no answer, Willow was really worried. She looked over at Buffy who was eyeing the door with equal concern, and some impatience. She heard Spike's voice, but couldn't make out what he was saying. She also heard - a woman? Confused, Willow knocked again, harder.  
  
____________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
"You're gonna have to come out of there sooner or later, y'know. Your friends'll be here any minute." Spike yelled through the closed bathroom door.  
  
"Go away!" Xander yelled back, and Spike could have sworn that he heard tears in the whelp's voice. The thought made him grin. He shook his head, and his grin widened when he smelled vanilla. The Slayer was near.  
  
"They're he-ere!" he called gleefully through the door. "Come and greet them, pet?" Once more couldn't hurt.  
  
"Go to hell!" Xander dissolved into tears again.  
  
Spike whistled a happy tune as he walked towards the door, though he'd kill before anyone knew that he enjoyed Rodgers and Hammerstein. He stood behind it, waiting. He let them knock once, then twice. Building up suspense and all. He opened the door while Willow was in mid-knock, and smiled cheerfully at the girls. "H'lo Red. Slayer, pleasure as alw-gak!" He was cut off by Buffy's small hand crushing his windpipe against a wall.  
  
"Where. Is. He?" The Slayer was all business. Spike glurbled out a reply. Buffy pushed back harder.  
  
"Um.... Buffy?" The Slayer looked to her best friend. Willow was looking at the small blonde apprehensively. "Maybe he could talk better without you trying to kill him? It's just a thought." Buffy nodded, and dropped Spike, who gasped, even though he didn't need it, and clutched his throat.  
  
"Thanks, pet. Knew you were a good one." Buffy gave Spike a pointed look. "Right. In the loo, he is. Been in there for three hours straight." He crossed his arms in satisfaction.  
  
"What's wrong with him?" Willow asked.  
  
"I think he might want to be the one to give you that little tidbit of of info." Spike padded to the bathroom door. "Xander, your friends want to see the new you. You wanna come on out?" When there was no answer, Willow tried her hand.  
  
"Come on, Xan, just come out. Whatever it is, it can't be that bad, right?" The door remained motionless. Willow begged and pleaded with a silent door to no avail. At length, the knob turned slowly. The door opened, and out walked one of the most beautiful women Willow had ever seen. Her eyes were all red and puffy, but she was still stunning. "Umm...Hi." Willow said, puzzled, but still trying to be polite. "Where's Xander?" Didn't work.  
  
The girl burst out into gasping sobs. Willow looked to Buffy for answers. Buffy was standing stock-still, her eyebrows raised and her mouth forming a perfect "o." "Buffy? What's wrong?"  
  
"Will, look at her clothes." Willow did. //Okay. Red shirt. Not seeing the big deal. A black mini skirt. What girl doesn't have one of those? Black stocking. Again, why is this important? Those were some really hooker-y looking boots. Kinda like her Halloween boots from three years ago. But she had leant those to Xande-//  
  
"Oh Goddess!" Willow ran over and embraced her best friend, Buffy following suit soon after. Xander again, for about the tenth time that day, burst out crying, and Spike just sat on Xander's couch, pouting. It hadn't been as much fun as he had hoped. But wait! The Bit still didn't know. Spike's Cheshire grin returned, as he stood up.  
  
"Don't you lot think Giles should know about this?"  
  
____________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
"Oh my God! This is sooo cool!" Dawn squealed and wrapped herself around Xander's now smaller form.  
  
"No Dawnie! Not cool. Far beyond the realm of cool." Xander moaned in his new higher pitched voice. "This is, like, a billion miles before cool even starts to become a speck on the map!" He detached himself from the squealing thirteen year old, and flopped down dejectedly onto the couch. Giles, from his perch in his kitchen doorsill, shook his head. Poor boy. He always seemed to get the worst of everything. He cleared his throat.  
  
"Well, uh, we'll get to work right away trying to discern the cause of this, um, occurrence. Until then, erm, Xander, if you would, ah -" Giles trailed off, looking slightly embarrassed.  
  
"K. Y. L. C., Whelp." Spike finished for him, leering. Xander immediately pulled his legs shut, blushing furiously.   
  
//Damnit. All this . . . . This sucks.//  
  
\\Thanks, Brain. You're a big help.\\  
  
//More'n you.//  
  
\\Go to h-\\  
  
"Xander!" Xander snapped back to attention as Giles snapped his name. "I would appreciate your attention, since this matter concerns you chiefly!" Giles glared at him over his glasses. Xander nodded, blushing.  
  
"Sorry, G-Man. This is just a hell of a lot weirder than I like my strange." Giles rolled his eyes at the use of the familiar, and hated, nickname, but didn't comment on it. He simply sighed, removed his glasses, cleaned them, and replaced them.  
  
"As I was saying. From all outward appearances, this appears to be some sort of spell." All eyes turned towards Willow, who gasped and looked extremely hurt.  
  
"Nuh-uh! Not me!" She shook her head vehemently. "I float pencils and cover zits. That's the extent of my powers. Sex changes are far beyond my abilities." That seemed to appease Giles, but not Xander, who suddenly sat up and pointed at his best friend.  
  
"Ooh! What about that whole "I-am-woman-hear-me-roar" shtick you two had going on last night? You were all Susan B. Anthony then!" Willow's eyes widened in pain.  
  
"Do you really think I would do something like that??" Tears pooled in her large green eyes, and Xander was slightly shocked to see Tara place her hand on Willow's lower back, and shoot small-but-noticeable glares at Xander, who at least had the grace to look sorry. He slumped back into his seat on the couch, and put his head into his hands, his long dark hair spilling everywhere, shielding his face from view. He raised it again, dark curls spilling everywhere.  
  
"No, Wills, but still. You know your track record with spells. I mean, you were all "I wish you knew what it feels like to be a girl." Giles gasped softly, and sat next to Xander.  
  
"Xander. Have you and Anya recently . . . quarreled?" He placed a hand on Xander's knee, and then removed it when he realized that that would probably be an inappropriate place to be touching a young girl, even if that girl wasn't a girl. But then, he was. This was awfully confusing. Xander looked puzzled, and slightly frightened at Giles' hand.  
  
"Umm . . . . Just a small disagreement about the party. She didn't want me to go, but I knew that I had to, for Dawn. She left in a huff, saying she was going to go visit some old friends." Xander went silent for a few moments, while the rest of the group caught on to Giles' point. Xander finally got the message. "Oh shit."  
  
____________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
"You have no idea how sorry I am! Sorry doesn't even begin to cut it. I don't deserve to live! I deserve to - to -" Willow paused in her stream of babble to think of a punishment suitable for a crime of this nature.  
  
"Be fed to Spike?" Spike chimed in hopefully. A chorus of "Shut up, Spike!" sounded, almost as one, from the entire room, Giles' male voice being drowned out by the now five female ones. Spike slouched back into his chair, grumbling, "No one ever lets me have any fun." Giles searched through his library of books, trying to find the volume with Anyanka's summoning spell. //Damn. Must have leant it to Angel. He must still have it.// He went into his kitchen, and made the necessary phone call. Willow, Buffy, Dawn, and Tara swarmed Xander, trying to make him feel better.   
  
"You know, Xander, if you want to change out of those clothes, I'm pretty sure we're about the same size." Dawn offered. "Although," she mused, "I think you've got bigger boobs." Xander looked at her in horror, and then burst into gasping sobs once more.  
  
"Oi! What's with all the tears, then?" Spike demanded from his perch in Giles' armchair. Willow cut in before Spike could do more damage.  
  
"He's right, you know. Having big boo - er - a large bust is a good thing."  
  
"Not if you're a guy, Wills!" Xander cried even harder. He curled up into Tara's shoulder, a quivering mass of girl.  
  
"Hate to break it to you, mate, but you're not so much a bloke anymore." Spike called to him snarkliy, knowing this would push Xander over the edge. He was right. The whelp started gasping for air, the sobs coming faster than he could breathe. He smirked, gloating over his victory. //Let's see him try to call me impotent again.// He gulped, however, when he saw the Slayer get up, murder and sharp, pointy wooden objects in her eyes. She hauled Spike up and pushed him into Giles' front door. The tiny decorative windows, while pleasant to look at, let in small patches of sunlight onto Spike's back and neck. Spike began to smoke.  
  
"Listen, you bleached freak." Buffy growled, dead serious. "You will be nice. You will do whatever it takes to make him - her - hi - Xander feel better. You don't, and you will kiss daylight. Get me?" Spike nodded hurriedly, and when Buffy let him go, he dropped to the floor and rolled, trying to smother the small fire on his back.  
  
Meanwhile, Dawn an idea formulating in her mind. "You know, Xander, since it looks like you're going to be . . . like this for at least a little while, -"  
  
"A month." Giles cut Dawn off. Buffy noticed that her former Watcher looked very upset. "Angel can't tear himself away from LA for at least a month. I'm sorry, Xander." he said, looking apologetically at the young man-turned-woman.  
  
"Whatever." Dawn said, waving her hand dismissively. "Look, you're going to need a month's worth of clothes." She looked to Willow and her sister, whose faces lit up. All three girls cried, "Shopping trip!" Xander groaned and dropped his head into his hands. Spike just snickered softly.  
  
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In case you haven't guessed, next chapter: Shopping trip!! 


	4. Pretty Girl

Title: What it Feels Like for a Girl (4/?)  
  
Author: Beach Blonde Babe  
  
Rating: I'm putting it at an R for now, but only because I don't know what's gonna happen later. Right now, it's at about a PG-13, for language.  
  
Series Summary: Xander plays dress up at Dawn's insistance, but after a spat with Anya, badness ensues.  
  
Chapter Summary: The girls (and Spike) go shopping!  
  
Pairing: Spike/Xander, mentions of Xander/Anya  
  
Disclaimer: These people aren't mine (God, do I wish they were.) Joss owns them, the lucky bastard. I just play with them and then put them back.  
  
Distribution: If you really want it, take it. Just let me know where I can find it afterwards.  
  
Feedback: Pretty, pretty please? With a cherry on top?  
  
Spoilers: None, really.  
  
A/N: This is un-beta'd. I'm sorry if there are any glaring errors. You can write me a long, long review on how stupid I am.  
  
A/N 2: This takes place after Hush sometime, probably late season four. Nothing's really specific. Dawn's in it, for my purposes, and Tara's in it, 'cause I like Willow and Tara together. So there you go. You can put this story anywhere you want to, within those parameters.  
  
A/N 3: I forgot to mention it, in case you didnt' know. The main title is a Madonna song. The title of the 2nd and 3rd chapters is a Shania Twain song. This title is a Sugarcult song. The songs have nothing to do with the story. I'm just running with the song title theme.  
  
Littleburde - Yes, as far as I know, that line is mine. I don't think I heard it anywhere else, although I might have. If I'm taking credit for someone else's work, please let me know!  
  
Pretty Girl  
  
"Are you silly bints done yet?" Spike leaned against the wall outside a changing room at Forever 21. He tried to make himself look smaller, hiding behind a rack of clothes, lest some other demon catch him there. What that would do for his reputation!  
  
"I can't believe I'm gonna say this, and I don't think it'll ever cross my lips again, but Spike's right. Are we done yet?" Xander, from inside the changing booth, had to spit the words out, but out they came. He recieved a gentle swat on the ass from Dawn, and Willow just clucked her tongue.  
  
"Not yet! We've only found-" Dawn trailed off as she saw *the* perfect top to go with the black skirt they picked out. Xander fought that one tooth and nail, but he didn't know what looked good and what didn't. She scurried off to grab it, while Willow helped Xander into the next top.  
  
"Cor, this is horrible!" Spike's face twisted into a grimace of disgust. "All these clothes make you lot look like hookers!" Xander's face fell, and he looked down at the shirt he was being forced into. Spike was right. It was low cut, it had no back, and the white fabric was so see-through, he might as well have been naked. He sighed heavily, holding out his arms so Willow could take it off.  
  
"You know, you didn't have to come with us. You could have stayed at home." Buffy crossed her legs daintily on the low black seats. She was waiting outside with the vampire, to make sure he didn't try to run off. Spike snorted.  
  
"Psh! Yeah, right. Like I'm going to let you all come traipsing over to the mall with *my* money, and not even get to say what gets bought, and what doesn't? Over my dead body!" Spike stamped, raising a small scene in the dressing area. Dawn came scampering back, prize in hand. "What the hell is that, Bit?"  
  
"It's a top. Duh." Dawn rolled her eyes at her favorite vampire, smiling. He could be so clueless sometimes. She handed the top to Willow. "Try this with the skirt and the heels, Alex." The girls had decided to call Xander Alex while in public. It was a little more feminine sounding that Xander, and it could be short for Alexandra, or even Alexis. Xander shook his head, disappointed at the nickname. If he was going to be a girl, he wanted his name to be something pretty, like Nicole, or Christie. But Alex was as good as anything. Besides, it was easy to answer to. His dad called him Alex. He held out his arms for Willow, who slid it onto him deftly, tying strings and doing buttons. He sat down on the little ledge, pulling the mini skirt on, and then slipping on the high heels. He actually kinda liked the shoes. They were strappy, going up to his ankle. He stood up, and wobbled over, saved from smashing his nose into the side of the dressing room by Willow, who now was taller, and stronger than he. Willow held his arm, and he pushed the curtain aside.  
  
Dawn, Buffy, and Spike gaped. Willow was standing with a much transformed woman. Once Xander had stopped crying, the redness left his eyes quickly, and he had retained his amazingly long eyelashes. His hair was pulled back into a messy, curly ponytail, with little ringlets falling out of place and framing his face. The top was-. The closest thing he could come up with was a turtleneck tank top. It was a turtleneck, but it had no sleeves, and no back. There were little slashes cut in the fabric, and the only things holding it down were the neck, and two little strings across his lower back. It hugged his new body perfectly. It was a deep purple in color, and it perfectly matched the black shoes and the skirt, which flowed down to Xander's ankles, clinging to his hips. He stood awkwardly, one knee bent inwards, trying to balance on Willow's arm. The small black straps of the heels ran up to just above his ankle.   
  
Inwardly, Xander cringed. He must have looked pretty damn awful. No one had said anything. He smiled crookedly. "That bad, hunh?" More silence.  
  
//You're surprised? No one cares what you look like.//  
  
\\That's not true. You know they love you.\\  
  
//Who said anything about love? Wait, shut up. I think someone's gonna say something!//  
  
It was Buffy who spoke first. "Wow. You look . . . wow." Dawn nodded in agreement, standing.  
  
"Okay, turn." Xander stared back at her dumbly. "Turn around. Rotate? Model for us!" Xander nodded, and turned slowly, clutching the skirt and looking down at the floor. Spike's eyes trailed up and down Xander's new body. God, but he was a beautiful woman. He looked up and saw the fear in the kid's eyes. He decided that it was time to play with that.  
  
"Enh." All eyes turned on him. He worked hard to surpress a huge grin. "Not bad, I guess. You could fit in with the drag queens over in LA." He watched Xander's face fall, and he pushed aside the thought that maybe he felt a twinge of pain at the hurt in the boy's already sad eyes. Of course, that feeling became an *actual* pain as three hands swung at his head and connected. He growled in pain, and the other customers smirked as the rude Brit got what he deserved. Buffy grabbed him by the scruff of his neck, holding him tightly while smiling and speaking through clenched teeth.  
  
"Remeber our little discussion, Spike? You? Sun? Dustbuster?" The vampire nodded, feeling the skin at his neck pull and relax. Buffy smiled brightly. "Good. Now apologize before I spasm, and you fall under the leg of a chair or something." Spike looked at Xander, who had fallen into a chair. The bint-er...whelp-looked like he was going to start crying again. God knows they didn't need that again, especially in a public place, where other women would come to a crying woman's rescue. He walked over, and sat next to him. He grasped one of Xander's smaller hands in his.  
  
"Whelp?" No answer. "Alex?" Okay, the silent treatment. "Xan?" Bingo. Success. "'M sorry, pet. I forgot that you're more . . . fragile recently." Xander looked at him, horrified. "I didn't mean it like that, Xan. I just mean that . . . well . . . oh, bugger all. I'm no good at this apology crap." He smiled a crooked, half-smile. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. It was a bad joke. Forgive me?" He waited for the boy's reaction.  
  
Xander stared at Spike blankly. That was . . . well . . . that was almost nice. A tear began to form at the corner of Xander's deep brown eyes, and for a moment, Spike was afraid for his unlife. Then, doing the last thing that Spike ever expected, Xander flung his arms around Spike, pulling him close and sobbing against him.  
  
Spike almost screamed in terror at the "Aww" that went up from all around him. This was possibly the lowest moment in Spike's history, in life or unlife. Here was a two-hundred plus year-old master vampire, sitting on a little black bench in the Forever 21 in the Sunnydale Mall, with a sobbing ninteen year-old man-turned-woman in his arms, pressed against him; he was surrounded by two ninteen year-old women, and a sixteen year-old girl, and a horde of other women shoppers. Worst of all - and he would never admit this to anyone, ever - was that . . . . . . he enjoyed it.  
  
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Okay, that's it for now! Please, review. Click the little purple button below. It'll help me know that people are still reading this, and motivate me to continue. Who knows what'll happen next! (I sure as heck don't!) 


	5. An Apology from the Author

Fans and friends, odds and ends:

I'm really sorry if you've been waiting forever for an update. I really, truly haven't given up on this story. My life just went a little crazy for a while, not to mention the fact that I've hit _major_ writer's block. If you all have any suggestions, please feel free to leave it for me here. It'd be a huge help for me. I'm workin' on it, though, and I'll try to get something in here for you guys before New Year's. In case I don't, have a wonderful holiday season, and best wishes for your new year!

The Author


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